What is left unsaid…

So, let’s get to the nitty gritty here, for real.  This is stuff I never talk about, but feel able to after this evening.   I certainly hope it doesn’t bore, but that it feels…sounds…reads… as real.  Because it is.  Very real for me.  I know I’m not the only one who has ever felt this….  I’m just finally moving on with it.

I’ve always had “issues” in my own little world, my own head, my own little stupid thoughts leading me no where when it came to realizing my self worth in some situations.  Particularly when it comes to friendships.  And it’s not that I don’t think I have anything to offer, I know I do.  And college really changed me with this area.  I have always been someone who immediately likes everyone and thinks the best of someone, even if I don’t know them well.  I consider them a friend even if we barely know each other.  I just don’t like the thought of someone thinking I don’t like them and I can honestly say there isn’t a person out there that I don’t like.  I might not like their choices, but I do care about them.

I don’t know if it was situations I put myself in while I was in school or messed up ideas I came up with in my own mind because I felt like I was held at a different standard or “outside” the group sometimes because I am the pastor’s daughter, the oldest (and please know that I’m not hating on that side of me, I would never change it, but in general life as a in a pastor’s family means something other than being the Smith family down the street), but I was never the social butterfly my sister is. I feel like I had so many “surface” friendships in my life with people I thought I had a real friendship with and it kills me inside thinking about that now.  I tried to connect and I did have lots of wonderful people to hang out with in high school and middle school, but a lot of times I felt like I was outside.  A lot of times this happened with girls and when it came to guys, well, let’s just say my mind was and still is sometimes my own worst enemy in thinking I was never good enough, cool enough, had nothing worth connecting with to be a good friend with a guy (as in beyond “hey, how’s it going” at church).  Unfortunately, I think there were instances when I was younger when I think I equated looking a certain way with being able to have guy friends?  Maybe?  I don’t know.  I just know I had a screwed up mindset back then in that regard.  Thank the Lord that’s gone. And just know that I am NOT busting on anyone here, I’m just realizing something about myself and the situations I’ve been in…perhaps put myself in.

Let me be frank about this…  I do have confidence in myself.  I know I have a lot to offer the world.  I know I am a loyal friend…but I tend to doubt myself a lot when it comes to my relationships.  You see, I am constantly trying to be genuine in all that I do when I interact with others, with my friends.  It’s later on in my own solitude that I get in these funks where I think I haven’t really connected with someone I thought I had and I worry about it and pray about it.  I get in these funks where I think I’m not doing enough.  I get in these funks sometimes where I think I’ll just never really have a good guy friend because gosh, I’m just not good enough for that (which is not entirely true…I’ve had several…they just…slipped away due to extenuating circumstances).  And whoa, when it comes to the world of me one day being a wife, some days I laugh at the prospect in my self doubt and other times I’m completely in love with the idea.  It tends to be the latter more often, I just doubt whether it will ever happen.  But the Lord knows my heart and again, I just need to GET OVER IT and let God be God in the situation.  Now, I know a lot of this is just Satan getting the best of me and my thoughts and I’m not writing this to wallow in self pity.  Writing this is honestly helpful for me. 

I still see that mindset affecting me sometimes these days with friendships, thinking I don’t reach up to expectations or that people won’t REALLY let me in.  However, moving down to Charlotte and heading to Elevation has changed this mindset within me so much.  Besides some people in college, I can truly say I have never had such a great group of true friends as I have found here.  Having found the small group I’m a part of now, I have been so challenged regarding how I connect with people and I know I have needed that.  How can I not connect with these people when we spend pretty much a whole day in each others’ presence and then decide that’s not enough, so we do something afterwards and we do something during the week?  🙂 

Again, this isn’t all about poor me and my never being able to connect until I moved back to NC…it’s about me getting over it and realizing how much I HAVE connected and how much I’ve found in myself since.  I mean, I have a wonderful small group that I connect with more and more as the weeks go on and I have other friends that I wouldn’t be able to make it without if they weren’t around on Sundays and heavens…there are just so many boys in my life.  hahahahaha.  God forbid after getting burnt in one friendship with a guy I actually found some great ones.  And “men” (as they called themselves…they’re quite boyish sometimes if you ask me…), I know I tell you guys you rock the world all the time, but seriously…you don’t know how much you rock and how much each of you as an individual and everything that you do mean to me.   Well, maybe you do now after reading all of this, but I am so thankful for each of you.  I’ve never had or thought I’d ever be worth the kind of treatment you guys have shown myself and the other awesome gals tonight.  You prove the mind’s theory wrong.  You guys are going to make some girls happy someday.  No doubt.  In the mean time, keep driving the Cheese and Casper and playing with pipe and drape.  Your hearts are in the right place and it is a worthy quality.  Plus, you know you enjoy it.  Wake up time at 3am…4am is the highlight of your LIFE, right???!!!

Long story short: You get me, you get me 100% and I will NEVER leave you hanging.  I’m with you, heart and soul.  That’s how I roll when it comes to my friends.

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