I am trying…
Trying to not freak out. Trying to just let it go. Trying to not worry. Trying to not sound snappy. Trying to just pray about it. Trying to just take the next step and see what happens.
But it is hard. And if there is one thing that I have trouble not worrying about and not just letting go of and letting God, it is my car and anything that has to do with it. For the most part, people know I have a sometimes agreeable relationship with my car (affectionately at times called “Killer” – please note the sarcasm). I know I hear it over and over…. Yes it is hard keeping up with a car when you’re just starting out and it isn’t new and you’ve got bills to pay and it always seems like one thing after another. I just want to scream sometimes when I hear that because at times, quite frankly that doesn’t comfort me because your situation is not mine. And yet there are times when my car behaves that I do find comfort in that in some twisted way. I just have not had good times with cars.
My first car was a dream and if not for the accident I was in, I would probably still have Kermit. Now with my little Subaru it has been every month or at least every other month that we’ve had problems for almost the last 2 years. And now we have a whole new crop of problems (aside from rust and tricking it into passing inspection and a host of other things) that are going to be about $1600 to fix. Like I have that money laying around for a rainy day…. With the way things have gone with me and cars, I need a stinking “fix me” account at the bank on top of my checking and savings. I hate worrying about money, especially when I know God will provide and has proven that to me so blatantly (particularly right before the Dominate commitments). However, when it comes to me and cars, I immediately envision the worst case because I feel like that’s all I’ve ever dealt with. I don’t want to worry about how I’ll have the money to pay to get it fixed when it’s not even worth what it costs to fix this problem. And if I don’t fix it, even upon trade I don’t know how I’d pay for something used when I’ve got rent to pay, other bills, rising gas prices to deal with, etc. The thought of car payments is not something I enjoy. I don’t like being in debt. I’m already $25,000 in the hole with student loans, thanks. Even if I didn’t have the loans I am trying to be financially smart and have a safety net in my bank accounts and I’m not comfortable with using a lot of the “safety” money for a car payment or to use a lot of it to help pay for a “new” used car. I know that might sound stingy, but I am a bit OCD about some things and serious about making sure I have money for emergencies. For some reason, I don’t see this as an emergency….and it’s not. It’s a necessity. If you can convince me this is an emergency, by all means I’m up for it as long as you can make me feel good about it financially.
Long story short… Pray for me to let go and let God in this situation. I know it will bother me so much not knowing what is going to happen that I’ll be thinking of it a lot (as you can see by this post being longer than I intended). Pray for it to be an easier fix than originally thought (and cheaper would be nice too!!). And if it is not going to be easier to fix, pray for a good trade in amount or a good, solid, stable car to find it’s way into my path somehow. FYI, the problem is the brakes and from there it gets more complicated. I’m afraid to drive it too much longer without getting it fixed or traded in because that just wouldn’t be safe, so a quick solution would be amazing. I would also no doubt find myself blind to something in front of me for all of the worry covering my eyes thinking about it that I wouldn’t notice God placing something in my path. So pray for the solution to this to be something blatantly obvious to me. Perhaps a car falling into my path with my name written on it in the dust on the back window? haha. In all seriousness, I just need some faith when it comes to dealing with cars. Faith that it will work out. I know in the end it will….it’s the painful process. And yes, I know. The process is the point. I’m trying to remember that and learn from this. It’s just hard to go from knowing something in your heart to practicing it. So, I simply ask for some faith, peace and wisdom for myself.