You know what stinks? Admitting something you knew about yourself yet pushed off in the heat of the moment, in the middle of the project, etc. and claimed it was for some other reason, an excuse. Having been so busy from January up through March, I was focused on way too much and I hate admitting it, but I don’t think there were many areas that got my “best”. It’s no secret I’m a chronic worrier and a perfectionist (at least I don’t think it is…it isn’t now!) and that certainly doesn’t help when you are doing many things all at one time. Hence I got worn out. But I realized that and during Spring break (and in one event prior), I took some time to stop and breathe and pull back the reins a bit in some areas so that I could more adequately and correctly…obediently follow what God would have me do, where He put my passions.
Well, I’m currently reading a book with my small group that really blasted me on a few things and caused me to take some time to think and has revealed to me some of what was going on during a recent “season” in my life. In the early months of this year, I was doing almost everything I could to keep my head above water and stay on top of things. Some things received more attention than others at times due to deadlines or something of the sort and other things suffered. Being a perfectionist, if I came upon a situation where I wasn’t fully “in the moment” or all ready, I’d first tell myself “You knew better…you knew this would happen” and then I would come up with an excuse, “Oh it will work out”. Sure it would…but maybe not the best it could have been. Then later on, after the fact I’d feel irritated that I had that kind of attitude about it.
So that went on in the midst of the chaos that was my schedule and then came mid-March and Spring break. I read a book that spoke to me and got “away” and came up with some ideas to avoid feeling worn out and get back on track. Good good good. Now I’m reading this new book talking about Sarah (Abraham’s wife), her flawed character, and it’s talking about that exact thing, trying to compensate for our self-inflicted weaknesses. Of course this was a weakness that came to life most recently that slowly infested itself in many areas because I was involved in many things. So yeah, I did try to compensate for that self-inflicted weakness by making excuses in my own mind all the while knowing what I was doing wasn’t going to help. I guess I probably felt like I didn’t have time to stop, put all those worries aside to adequately focus on “x” number of projects that I had going on, AND finish them well.
It’s hard realizing that about a “season” in my life, to wonder if that time was wasted in any way. In some ways, it was and I almost HATE thinking that now and I just want a second chance to do it over again or to begin again. In other ways it was not a waste and I was able to deepen a friendship with someone at work as well as someone at church who I gladly allow to speak into my life. I was also able to open up to and spend more time with kids at school in the upper grades that I don’t get to see a lot this year and that was fantastic. It is for the relationship aspect that I would absolutely take part in OM again, but with boundaries on my time and my focus. And I also have to remind myself that there are things I have done that I didn’t do last year at this point and those are growths in me spiritually, emotionally, professionally, etc. I’ve come to realize because of that “season” what works best for me when it comes to school stuff and I can guarantee you I won’t be doing what I did this year (though I did keep up with it) but instead going back to what first worked best for me (hello lessons on computer, goodbye hand written lessons). I also had to think about differences in schedule, timing, planning, etc. this year as opposed to last year and provide myself some understanding! (I’m my own harshest critic, in case you were wondering.) Most of all, I had to tell myself to stop comparing this year and last year and just remember all that transpired between me and God during break and to remember and continue to put it in motion.
I’m so grateful that God is a God of second chances. I don’t have a ton of time left in this school year (mid-May, in fact since we begin Spring Celebration practice then) and it isn’t that I haven’t tried my best, but to have the chance to once again have my focus adequately back on school related things, on the kids, small group stuff for Quest, etc…I couldn’t be more thankful or more grateful. Plus, there’s a whole new school year coming and I’ve learned a lot this year about what does and doesn’t work for me, what works for the kids regarding timing (sure at the beginning of the year 40 min was nice with K-2 to finish projects, but at this point…I’d be glad to have the 20 min schedule back for their sake and my own!), and what puts me on my A-game. I’m ready for a new year, but I’m also ready to end this one back on track and focused!
What can I say? What can any of us say? We are flawed human beings loved by a flawless God.